Thursday, November 5, 2009

I cried when I was born and every day shows why

Sometimes life is hard.

And you cry in your bed at night and you cry in the middle of the day for no apparent reason. At least not to anyone else. Or you are having a small dinner with friends and suddenly the topic turns to somebody who recently divorced and wow, relationships are so much harder than most ever imagined and oh well, another one bites the dust. And suddenly you are crying again. And in an effort to make some sense of you, your friend asks, Are your parents divorced? And you say no and you feel like a little idiot because you just don't make sense; you're just sad.

And you try to find some comfort by telling yourself that most things are senseless anyway.

But then there's the fact that you're crying. The proof, as it were, of just the opposite: that most things are actually jam packed with meaning, moving you to all sorts of emotion in direct correlation to it all. And the very fact that you are crying means that something indeed is very meaningful to you.

And then there's the times when you quickly post something on Facebook about an upcoming pole dancing class you are about to take for a friend's birthday party, and unwittingly offend people you love in the process. The truth is that the class was for a group of friends. It had nothing whatsoever to do with stripping, but had everything to do with the physical challenge, the gymnastics, the artistry and line of dancing in connection to a pole. And honestly, it was really fun. It makes for a strong feeling, holding onto that pole, spinning around like a fireman descending from up above. And then there's the fact that no matter how large unemployment looms, you're not about to go work at Fantasia. Like, ever. But there you go, you offended others with that status and sadly, that can't be taken back. And again with the meaning, but not what people might have thought you meant. And again with the tears.

And then there's the end of another day which honestly, you are just grateful to have gotten through. You hope for maybe some kind words in your inbox. You hope for some word from home. And you find kind words, true--but they are confrontational too. A part of life, yes, even a good part of life, but feeling especially heavy at this particular moment. Loving, indeed, but hard. Not easy. Not simple.

And you're done.

You're just done.

Good night, moon; good night world.

And you are struck with gratitude over the one simple quality that both snowflakes and days share: no two are ever alike.

And you think it again and again and you feel comforted by the fact that the morning comes swiftly and brings with it a freshness through no work of your own. It just happens; it's what God does with his time, it seems.

And so here's to a new day.

One with statuses that are more circumspectly written.

With more sensitivity to friends.

And with less mistakes, in general.

Grace is in order, I do believe.


Jenna Latshaw said...

i hate how people got offended by it. tell them to get over it and if they have a problem then come talk to me about it. i'm glad you had a great time and it sucks that people who for some reason were offended by it had to ruin it. loves ya.

peaj said...

Sorry you got hurt by stuff on Facebook. And sorry you are feeling sad in general. I hope coming home can make some things better.

Jamie said...

I'm with Jenna!! And here is how I see it (not that you need my opinion) but you live in a world and work in an industry where you see all kinds of things that could be offensive and meet all kinds of people that may not have the same moral and spiritual compass that you have and yet you remain pure of heart and spirit so it seems silly since any one who knows you even a little bit knows that you are all things kind and generous and sweet and that if you are taking part in a pole dancing class there would be nothing offensive about it.

Plus I have taken one and while I can't quite do that awesome position I saw you doing in that picture, it was a good work out and a ton of fun. I'm sorry some people had to ruin it for you.

Mom said...

I must be really dense....I thought pole dancing was dancing around a maypole! I thought it was a Canadian thing!

But I trust you, Jessica. You are one of the most innocent people I know.

James Ricardo The Actor said...

I love you, and love that you danced on a pole! And anyone, that know's you, def. know's you won't be working at "Fantasia"!

"Aint No Need In Worrying, What The Night Is Gonna Bring, It'll Be All Over In The Morning"!

There's A Fear Of Night Fall, When Darkness Comes And Covers All The Day, Sometimes We Feel Pain, But There Are Things That We Can Change, Just Pray

It Will Be All Over In The Morning!

Weeping Will Last, But Only For Awhile, But When The Sun Shines, You'll Wear A Smile! It Will Be All Over In The Morning!"

Part of My Favorite Song By Be Be and Ce Ce Winans!

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to where you are right now. Sometimes being a grown-up seems to just plain suck. Things like financial security, friendships, relationships don't just happen- they really take effort. And even then it may not be enough. You see how fragile they really are. It's overwelming, and makes a good cry necessary every now and then. I used to sing a worship song with the chorus being "cast all your cares upon Jesus-" easier said than done, but He can handle them. It is one relationship that won't break- that provides a different, more important kind of security. Hang in there. And, pole dancing is the new it workout. Just tell your fb friends to read :)

Mandy and Jack said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Jessica, but here are some kind words: I think you're really great, and I am praying for you.

Michele said...

Jessica, honestly, if anyone thought you were taking a class in pole dancing so you could be a stripper, they don't deserve an explanation from you! They obviously know nothing about you, therefore have absolutely no authority to speak into your life! Please, please, please don't listen to the lies of the enemy! You are adored by our Heavenly Father - and by those who truly know you!

Jessica Latshaw said...

thank you so much for your kind, supportive words--I am surrounded by so many good people who care. Thank you.

kathiek said...

Grace is always in order and, thankfully, you know just who to go to for all you need. I've needed a lot of it lately and He doesn't seem to be anywhere near running out.

J-9 said...

Look I finally figured out how to leave a comment, and at a good time! To heck with people that have to criticize and make false accusations on things they Michele said, they *clearly* don't know you. I thought it was an awesome's always great to try new things...don't let anyone ruin your fun or your're awesome and I have *always* looked to you for the example of the type of person I want to be like...honest, true to yourself, and still following God with all your heart.... (and just let me know if you need me to beat someone up for you)

Karenkool said...

So what's the big deal about dancing with and around Polish people anyway??? ;-)

beingawesome said...

i would just like to say... from reading this blog every day.. you truly are blessed with loving and caring people around.. and that matched with your faith is such a strong foundation that i know that sunnier days are ahead for you :)

and secondly sounds like those people need to get a grip on what's more important in life than you taking a, i'm sure it was a blast, pole dancing class.. it's not like you were in pasties and a g-string here...

ugh .. people.. and their judging ways.

Jessica Latshaw said...

thanks again, all:) I appreciate your thoughts and the way you help with your comments.

and also--it's not wrong for people to be offended by my statuses/choices/whatever. Different things are right for different people or sometimes they just don't get the clear picture until it is discussed. And I am glad there are people in my life who love me enough to tell me that they think I am not making the best choices--even if it doesn't feel so awesome all of the time:)

Jessica Latshaw said...

and janine--welcome to the comments! I am glad you figured it out:) and seriously, you are so sweet--thank you.

Mom said...

By the way, Jessica----you didn't cry when you were born, remember? You were sound asleep! Because of that you got a 4 apgar score. So you can't say that you cried when you were born.

That isn't to say you haven't cried since.....

Jessica Latshaw said...

good point, mom...but I was just quoting someone famous who said that--I just can't remember who it was at the moment:)