Sunday, November 15, 2009

closing time

Took me over a year and a half, but I finally bought a sweatshirt.

An A Chorus Line sweatshirt, that is.

There's nothing like an actual deadline to make you get something done. The whole time I have been on this tour I've been meaning to get a sweatshirt, but when the notice went up that Saturday, Nov. 14th would be the last possible day to buy merchandise, I got myself to the merch table.

Um, on Saturday, November 14th. You didn't think I got there earlier than absolutely necessary, did you?

And now I am wearing my show swag and trying to figure out what the closing of this show means. And honestly, I don't think I totally get it. I mean, my friend told me that as an actress, being employed gives her so much confidence and now she's really gonna miss that and I get it. Another friend has mentioned that this is a family of sorts and where else are such good friends literally a hotel room away? Or in my case, in your hotel room? And I get that too.

But it's weird, the last two times we've had cast change overs and people leaving, I cried on stage like I was reading for Mary Magdalene at the foot of the cross in Jesus Christ Superstar. And though I was probably perplexing the poor audience over just what, exactly, was so sad about Sing!, I still just couldn't. Get it. Together.

But these last few shows, I've felt quite literally nothing.

And my friends are crying all around me, on stage and in the dressing room, and I am feeling unbelievably emotionless.

Maybe even a little happy to get on with it already, if I were totally honest.

And now my roommate just told me, Oh my God, Jess, it's officially November 15th, closing day! And yes, we squealed together and yes, it's daunting, but I remain just fine. Maybe it's because this time I am finally going home; I am not being left behind and saying good-bye to friends. Well, I am saying good-bye to them, but it's different this time. The whole shebang is closing and we are all off to pursue our dreams, our lives, our relationships even further.

We're all off to light a fire under whatever it is we had to put on hold while gallivanting around the globe in leotards and jazz pants.

And somehow I see that this is a good thing. It's gotta be. I know it's what I want; I can't do this show forever, nor do I want to. There are so many other projects I want to tackle, so many other people I want to see on a more regular basis (hi, drew!).

So yeah, it's the end of the line.

The end of this line, at least.

And thank God it is.

But gosh, it's been one heck of an incredible journey.

And who knows? Maybe I will have to admit that in our closing performance I was all tears and mush and sniffles and you guys will be laughing as you read it cause you knew that would happen all along.


semi anonymous (just for consistency) said...

tears of sadness (because you're going to miss somebody) and tears of joy mixed together are the best kind of tears. Extremely cathartic.

Karenkool said...

Congrats on a job well done.It's always a good bye when it just feels right.

kathiek said...

Jess, I am so happy for you that you have been able to have an experience like this that has been so wonderful on so many levels. I am equally happy that you will soon be home so that we may have the pleasure of your company and your voice with more regularity. Bless you and bon voyage!

Owen said...

Thank you so much for this blog. A Chorus Line came through Los Angeles at a point when I was pretty down and I ended up seeing it five times. We met at the stage door a couple of times but we're not really acquaintances, but if it wasn't for that show I would never have come across this blog.

I've really enjoyed reading your thoughts and commentary over the last year and a half. You have such a wonderful, unique viewpoint on the cool things you've gotten to do for the last year and a half.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sure whatever you go on to after this will be just as awesome and rewarding. And hopefully you'll continue to blog. =D

Take care. Thank you.

beingawesome said...

Ya know.. I could quote a line from the show here.. but I will pass on the basis that I'm sure you felt SOMETHING tonight.. and if you didn't.. That's fine too.. you've given this tour one heck of a ride there lady :) I hope you keep us updated with all your goings on in the future :)

Mandy and Jack said...

Ohh such a great opportunity to use the phrase "and I dug right down to the bottom of my soul" just passed you by in this post!

Mandy and Jack said...

And I just saw that I wasn't the first to think that! ;-) Bummer. So much for original thought.