closing time

Took me over a year and a half, but I finally bought a sweatshirt.

An A Chorus Line sweatshirt, that is.

There's nothing like an actual deadline to make you get something done. The whole time I have been on this tour I've been meaning to get a sweatshirt, but when the notice went up that Saturday, Nov. 14th would be the last possible day to buy merchandise, I got myself to the merch table.

Um, on Saturday, November 14th. You didn't think I got there earlier than absolutely necessary, did you?

And now I am wearing my show swag and trying to figure out what the closing of this show means. And honestly, I don't think I totally get it. I mean, my friend told me that as an actress, being employed gives her so much confidence and now she's really gonna miss that and I get it. Another friend has mentioned that this is a family of sorts and where else are such good friends literally a hotel room away? Or in my case, in your hotel room? And I get that too.

But it's weird, the last two times we've had cast change overs and people leaving, I cried on stage like I was reading for Mary Magdalene at the foot of the cross in Jesus Christ Superstar. And though I was probably perplexing the poor audience over just what, exactly, was so sad about Sing!, I still just couldn't. Get it. Together.

But these last few shows, I've felt quite literally nothing.

And my friends are crying all around me, on stage and in the dressing room, and I am feeling unbelievably emotionless.

Maybe even a little happy to get on with it already, if I were totally honest.

And now my roommate just told me, Oh my God, Jess, it's officially November 15th, closing day! And yes, we squealed together and yes, it's daunting, but I remain just fine. Maybe it's because this time I am finally going home; I am not being left behind and saying good-bye to friends. Well, I am saying good-bye to them, but it's different this time. The whole shebang is closing and we are all off to pursue our dreams, our lives, our relationships even further.

We're all off to light a fire under whatever it is we had to put on hold while gallivanting around the globe in leotards and jazz pants.

And somehow I see that this is a good thing. It's gotta be. I know it's what I want; I can't do this show forever, nor do I want to. There are so many other projects I want to tackle, so many other people I want to see on a more regular basis (hi, drew!).

So yeah, it's the end of the line.

The end of this line, at least.

And thank God it is.

But gosh, it's been one heck of an incredible journey.

And who knows? Maybe I will have to admit that in our closing performance I was all tears and mush and sniffles and you guys will be laughing as you read it cause you knew that would happen all along.