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Saturday, November 21, 2009

finally weightless

Peace.
But what about the experiences that would teach any sane person to be anxious?Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with it, and it feels crazy to not feel anxious. But then there's God and he messes up the equation and the sense life makes, I suppose. He talks about peace and it doesn't depend on everything being controllable or even appeasing to us; but rather it's dependent on Him. Existing. In the midst of everything. It doesn't make any sense, it really doesn't.
But anxiety.
It just wells up so big, drowning out every other feeling until all I want is to escape. But it's inside me so deep that I'd just as easily escape from my left lung or my brain; in short: it's seemingly and intricately woven into me. So what do I do? Other than try to fix the problem, which usually just results in a bigger mess because what human can be fixed by her own clumsy self? So I give it to God and in his mercy I forget about it for a little bit. I get lost in a song I am writing. Or a conversation with a friend. Or the show I am doing. Or the way my hip hurts when I lay on my left side. Or the pain of someone else I love. Or the innocence of the morning, how nothing has changed the day yet; nothing has let on to the fact that the sky which looks so friendly now could turn in a second and suddenly you find yourself dripping, drenched in a rain you never prepared for.
And then maybe the next time I think about it, the pain is not so fresh. Or maybe it is and then I try to give it to Him once again, all the while not quite even sure how you even know if it has truly been given to God. It's not exactly tangible. It's not exactly measurable. It's not like I have three eggs in my basket and I can hold each of them in my hand, feeling the weight and the shape, and then hand them off to Him three times over, happily looking down in my basket after the last transaction and seeing they are gone.
That my basket is empty, that I am finally weightless.

8 comments:

James Ricardo The Actor said...

BEAUTIFUL ENTRY JESS!!!!! THANKS FOR WRITING THIS, I FELT LIKE SOME OF IT WAS JUST FOR ME!!!! LOL!

Emily said...

I guess that's why I keep on offering it up, cause it can't hurt to do it again, just in case I held on to some of it last time... It is so good to know that Someone is waiting, eager to shoulder our burdens, reminding us that the work has been done already.

btw - I would LOVE to see you with a mullet!

kathiek said...

I really get this. I don't think I was a person given to anxiety in the past, but it is something that is trying to creep in and take hold of me now. God has been so gracious to impart peace, but it is different than before. Now it seems as much as God is giving peace, the anxiety is trying to take it away and I have to deliberately stand in the place of peace and against the anxiety. What I need to remember is that as strong as those anxious feelings are, they cannot take away my peace...unless I give it up. It is easy to forget that in the midst of the chaotic thoughts that are stirred up, that seek to grip me and pull me in, pull me down. Thankfully I am not left to fight this on my own, God is right there with me, giving me strength to stand firm. He is also with me in the prayers of all the people standing with us. I am so grateful for the lovingkindness and tenderness of God...as He ministers directly to me and as He ministers to me through His people. It touches my heart and I am deeply appreciative. I don't know that I am "finally weightless", but every time I give it to God I feel a little bit lighter. His shoulders are better able to carry this burden than mine.

min said...

oh, sweet Jess... anxiety is robber... I know him all too well. He steals and drains life from ones pores... and at the eight of my anxiety experience when I called out to the Maker for mercy on a continual basis I swore it was so terrible I wouldn't even wish on an enemy... my prayer is that you have strength beyond measure everyday of your life. Hope beyond understanding... And that you may always know Love is constant and will not let you go.

merry said...

This is beautiful. It is funny because I wrote about peace too before I read this and...yours is better.

min said...

I have so many spelling errors, ugh. I do know better. not that is matters really.

min said...

it... that "is" should say "it"... sigh.

Tiffany said...

Jessica, I have thought similiar thoughts but couldn't express them as beautifully as you did here. Thanks for sharing.