Yesterday I got our physical therapist fired.
Maybe fired is too harsh, but well, he was definitely told not to come back. And this was directly after I told my stage manager of my experience with him.
It's not hard to see the connection.
See, since I've been having this hip issue (which is feeling wonderfully better today, thank you), I've been going to physical therapy much more than normal. Normal being never, and much more being twice this week.
The first time I went, the woman told me that both my hamstring and hip flexor were firing (don't ask me what, exactly, that means), but that the hamstring seems to be firing the most. Her expert opinion was that I had pulled it and all the other surrounding muscles were reacting to that.
She got all up in there and massaged me and it was great.
Then I went back the next day, and to my dismay the woman was not there. She was replaced by an older gentleman and his sidekick. The older gentleman was a full-blown doctor, and had the art of pontificating down pat. He had never worked with dancers before which is exactly what every dancer wants to hear from a doctor right before he closes the door behind you.
So, if you want to make a dancer feel uncomfortable and on the brink of death due to her body being unable to function at all, here are some tips I learned from my session yesterday that will help you accomplish just that:
- State the obvious right away. Tell her she is quite small and act like this is an anomaly. Apparently most dancers are huge, and her slim body is quite suspicious.
- Jump to the next possible conclusion and ask her if she eats.
- When she assures you that she does in fact eat, proceed to ask her, Are you...and then make a gagging gesture while sticking your tongue out.
- When she finally gathers that you are not actually choking and rather, are asking her if she is bulimic and she replies no, ask her if she gets her period.
- When she says yes, assume that she might mean she has only gotten it once in her entire life and ask her if she gets it every month.
- Make her lay down on the table and proceed to tsk, tsk, tsk over every little thing that she is asked to do, implying that her body is about to fall apart at the seams and is no better than a rotting piece of meat.
- Throw around the words stress fracture as often as you possibly can. Scare her real good. They're so much more docile when scared.
- When she asks you if there is even a slight possibility that it might indeed be a pulled hamstring, answer in such a way that you use many words but make no clear sense. And go back to stress fracture; when in doubt, always go back to that. Make sure it comes through loud and clear.
- When she informs you that she is a right dominate dancer, meaning that she prefers to turn and kick on the right side, tell her that this is due to her poor training. When she further explains that it is standard for dancers to have a stronger side, much like most people are right-handed or left-handed, quickly shake your head and say, Nooooooo--it's because of your poor training. And that's that.
- And finally, instead of rubbing out her tight and sore muscles, which is really what she was hoping for anyway, proceed to try and "revolutionize her life" by demonstrating three stretches that she has been doing since she was taking kinderdance. And don't rub one muscle, it's beneath you anyway.
And that's physical therapy at it's finest, folks!