tears...

          Emotional.

          Unduly so, actually.

           Now how about I start using actual sentences and explain that those two sentence fragments aptly describe me this past day? I bet you would like that, huh?  And I can guarantee that I will still be riding that emotional train tomorrow.  

           Let me start from the beginning, though.  In the last month or so, the character of Kristine's singing has gone from bad to well, worse.  Now, don't get me wrong, Kristine is supposed to be a really bad singer--that's her whole schtick, actually.  

          But when I was just a bad singer, people didn't seem to think it was so funny.  

           And then when I became a truly terrible singer people started to laugh.  And let me tell you, it feels really good to get a reaction like that...Maybe my insecurity is what makes it feel so good, but I am just being honest when I say that a responsive audience lends wings to the performer--at least, it does to this performer. 

          Turns out the higher-ups are not happy with my new-found notes and have decided to "reign me in." I met with my music director today and had kind of a difficult rehearsal.  He was very kind, don't get me wrong, but it makes me sad to think about letting go of this path of comedy that I have found.  

      Because here is the thing: my number with Al is all about how horrible my singing is.  So when it comes time for the audience to hear me actually sing, they've built up some expectations, and I feel like I need to deliver.  Like I need to show them that Kristine may be a fierce dancer (if I uh, do say so myself...), but she cannot sing her way out of a paper bag.  

   But when I hear the words "reign in," it just scares me a little.  However, I am not above a note--especially one from my boss--so I am going to try to do whatever it is that they want.

   So right, I left that rehearsal in tears and felt even more stupid for crying about it.  Then Ian and John and Anthony and Derek and Emily wanted to know what was wrong (not necessarily at the same time, though) and so the tears started coming. Again.  

   And then it was 15 till places and I was like, Great, who needs make-up when you have tears and snot all over you face?!   

  But then the show started (with my face appropriately cleaned up) and it was great--really fun--and I honestly did try to reign in my bad notes.  But we will see if it was reigned in enough. Who knows.  

  Fast-forward--I am doing fine...the show is almost over, I haven't needed to blow my nose since the opening and I am ready and anticipating game night with friends afterwards.  But then I look at my dear John, just having left stage and taking off his shirt to get into his finale costume, and I lose it all over again.  

  Part of it may have been seeing John's horribly out of shape body (he was taking off his shirt after all) and those of you who have had the pleasure of seeing him will know just what I mean (wink, wink); but I think most of it was that it's just so sad to say good-bye to such a close friend. 

  Anyway, I am tired. I need to make some more cards for my friends leaving tomorrow.  

  Let's end on a good note, shall we? I am grateful for the extra hour of sleep we all get to enjoy tonight.  Fall back is a lovely invention, I must say.  I am also grateful for the game, Buzz Word, which a small group of us got to enjoy tonight (and by "enjoy" I mean be extremely competitive with each other, me being the ring leader).   No, actually it was really fun. And actually I was really competitive.  

  I just like to win sooooooo much.  

  But I am missing the point: I am grateful. Even when I don't win (lost by 4 points tonight).  

   Still grateful, though (just might be a little more grateful had I won).

    Just kidding (kinda).