bye bye bye

        And I thought yesterday was hard.  

        Funny how the present always feels like the worst, when really the worst might be just around the corner, or in this case, the uh, next day.  Because that's when you perform the last show with the original company. Or at least, that is what happened today.  

       It started early, actually.  Jay scheduled a brunch for the whole cast at this kitschy little diner that's been around since the mid 1800's, so we met there around 11:00 am.  On the way over, I shared with a couple friends how I started crying the night before when I saw John take his shirt off off stage and they thought that was really funny.  So once we got to the diner and John walked over to say a friendly hello, Ian innocently told me to tell John about the impetus for my tears the night before.  

     I started to tell the story, but then my throat just closed up.  I couldn't talk anymore.  I sat there, amid all the breakfast eaters and surrounded by friends, staring at John and starting to cry.  I did manage to say, I can't tell the story...in between sniffs and attempts at composure.

   

     Of course John hugged me and called me a sweetheart and of course others tried to tell me to cheer up.  But the truth is today was not a day for cheer; it's sad and it's okay to acknowledge it.  

    So through the whole breakfast I was just eating my french toast (which I devoured, practically leaving the plate clean and saving the dish washer a rinse and dry cycle) and crying.  My friends got used to it.  And each time another person got added to the mix, someone would inevitably say, Be careful how you drink your orange juice; it might make Jessica cry.  Or Don't ask her to tell a story about John taking his shirt off; it will make Jessica cry...

    I continued to be all weepy while warming up.  I applied make-up over wet, teary cheeks.  But I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was getting all the emotion out now, so that when I go on stage I can, you know, do my job and not be a basket case.

    Good idea.  Great idea.  Didn't happen.

    I hold hands with Jay (who is leaving) to walk onto the dark stage and set for the top of the show.  We grabbed hands and both began to cry. We were sniffling as we walked onto the stage.  My face was hurting during the opening because I was trying to compose it...

    I kept thinking I would stop crying, that there has got to be a point when the tears run out, but no. Because then I would see John or catch Jay's eye or think about Emily and my insides would just melt all over again.  Oh, and you don't even want to know how much snot was flinging out of my nose during any turns that I did. It wasn't so pretty, folks.

    I can only imagine what the audience was thinking.  Either they took us to be some of the most melodramatic, over-the-top actors on the face of the earth (you know, just sobbing cause we need the job so badly--how's that for an acting choice?!), or they figured that someone very close to us had dropped dead right at the places call.  

   How did I manage to get it together for my monologue and song?  Easy.  I thought about some rude comments that an anonymous poster has been leaving on this blog.  Don't try looking for them because I deleted them, which I shall continue to do should they keep coming, but as I thought of them, I got mad and the tears instantly dried up.  

   But only for the duration of my scene with Al.  Because right after, the waterworks started again...

   By the last scene literally all of us were crying on stage.  We were wiping our eyes and noses, and had become a nice little bunch of puffy-faced hot messes.  Poor Colt sits beside me as I stand at the end of the show, and I made the mistake of lowering my gaze and simultaneously succeeded in dripping snot all over him.  

  Nice guy, he only gave me a squeeze and smiled.  He didn't even wipe it off.   

   I have never felt this way about a group of people I have worked with before. I am exponentially blessed to have been a part of this company, and for that I am truly grateful.  

   We had a send-off party tonight and there were quite a few toasts given.  Almost all were heartfelt and transparent, filling our hearts with words of love and honor and devotion to our craft as well as to our friendships.  

  I had just a small toast to add once the weighty moments had passed, so I raised my glass and said, To Cleveland! Since I am so obviously Cleveland's favorite person, I felt like it was appropriate.  And well, we laughed.  

   Tomorrow is a much needed day off.  I have no definite plans as of yet--other than not setting my alarm and definitely working on my music...Oh and not crying, which after today, seems like a novel idea.  I think the five hours or so I spent crying today should have me set for a good long while...