Monday, September 29, 2008

mind over matter, Jess; mind over matter.

       I am exhausted.

      Today was a supposed day off...And it was, in the sense that I didn't perform ACL, but still...

     I got up and went to the gym, which was fine.  I haven't been feeling so inspired there lately, but have been forcing myself to go anyway.  Apparently exercise is good for you. Apparently even when it doesn't feel good, it still is good.  I got home and had a few moments before I had to meet my friend Betsy...And so I did some multi-tasking: I read the Bible and went to the bathroom. At the same time.  I hope God didn't mind.  

      I had a lovely afternoon, actually.  Betsy came into town, and we hung out and talked like only two people who really get each other can do.  

     She and her fiance, Todd, were kind enough to come to the benefit that our cast did tonight, raising money for Equity Fights AIDS.  And we raised upwards of $2500, which was really the point, so I am psyched about that.

    Remember what I just said about exercise and how it doesn't always feel so good, but it is good (I know, I know, you just read it--sorry, I am not trying to say you have a bad memory or anything, just trying to segue back to that point...)?  Well, I have to remember that my feelings don't always portray reality, they just do their darnedest to color it.  

    And sometimes I really wish they didn't.

    So what if I don't feel great about my performance; if I left the place feeling stupid and small and not so very talented; so what if a guy told me that he "saw my number tonight" just like that, didn't say it was good, didn't even hint that it might be pleasant to listen to, just thought it was somehow pertinent that I know he saw it cause I would never be able to figure that out on my own, not even once I realized he was in the same building, at the same event, facing the same stage on which I did, in fact, perform "my number" (both of them, actually, if we are getting picky...), right, so thanks for telling me you were there, random guy, and leaving it at that.

   Cause it's not like I am a sensitive artist with a tragically fragile ego at times; it's not like tonight was especially one of those times and a kind word from even a random guy would have gone so so far...Nope, just keep simply letting me know you were there.  And we'll just leave the whole if-you-liked-it-or-not-part in the dark.  Maybe it's better that way.  Cause maybe you just didn't like it.

   And who cares if he did?  He was just a random guy!!!!!

    But, the sad part is that I do.


    Don't get me wrong, there were lots of people who had kind things to say.  The bad part was that I had difficulty believing it.  

    Oh well, I am not usually like this; just sometimes.  

    And the point was that we made a bushel of money going towards a cure for aids. You can't beat that.  

    And one more story: During intermission, I walked through the room, going from table to table, trying to collect money for the cause.  Well, there was one table of ladies sitting particularly far away, and I am pretty sure were not there for the benefit.  So, I started with my usual, Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but would you be willing to give any money towards equity fights AIDS?  They looked at me blankly and said, Huh? 

  Well, I said, The reason that we are singing tonight is to raise money for Equity Fights AIDS...  
  For what?! one of these kind ladies asked.
  By this point, I was getting a little flustered, so I said, Well, it's money that we are raising that we are going to send to...AIDS...
   To AIDS?!?! they all gasped.
    Frantically  backtracking, I said, No, ah, sorry, that's not what I meant--we're sending the money to a CURE for AIDS! A cure!

    One of the women, teasing me now, opened up her wallet, and while fishing for some money, said off-handedly, Well AIDS is such a delightful disease, I simply MUST give money...

    We had a good laugh over that one.  
    Seriously, it's awesome to play a benefit.  Just not so awesome to feel like you might suck.  But it's just a feeling, it will pass...And really (I am truly not being flippant here), people who suffer from AIDS feel much worse, and helping them was what tonight was all about.   

   Oh and by the way, I am not fishing for compliments here, just being honest, which I try to do on this blog. I understand that I am not devoid of talent, that I have gifts and all that; I just hate feeling like I missed the mark on what I could have done, which leads to doubting everything I've ever done, which leads to a pretty bad place, in general.  

  But I already feel better, having talked it out with Drew and then written it out right here.


Selah said...

Good news for you Jess - even on your "off" nights you're still better than 99.9% of the population! Keep your head up, I'm sure you rocked!

Jessica Latshaw said...

Thanks--I appreciate that!

And Selah, you are quite the advanced seven-year-old, what with your percentages and all that...;-)

Peaj said...

As my wife would say: are you listening to the Accuser, or to the Encourager?

Funny how he raises his head and accuses you when you are doing something charitable. Strange, eh? Almost as if he'd like to teach you to not do such things again.

I don't know how you did last night. Maybe you were a little off. But it's done, right? Can't can't go back and fix it. It's the nature of live performance. Learn if there is anything to learn, but then just let it go and continue to live in your talent and skills and follow what the Spirit says to do next.

Archie Mck said...

Sounds like he just wanted to prove that he was at an AIDS fund raiser. Sometimes it seems events that are supposed to bring out the goodwill in people just bring out the self-promoters.

Anonymous said...

I've been lurking in your blog since the tour was in either San Diego or The OC- I think your writing is great, I love how *honest* your entries are, and I almost feel a little bit like I'm on this tour at times... My friend and I walked by you after the matinee last Sunday, but you were with people and we didn't want to interrupt, so I instead started gushing to my friend- that's Jessica Latshaw, and she's awesome, and you can hear her really singing on youtube, and yeah so not only can she sing and dance and act but she's a funny writer too, you should read her blog...

(um- I mean this all in the most non-stalker-y way, of course? :))

Anyway, I'm a little bit sorry now that we didn't interrupt and spend a few seconds gushing *to* you, instead of just about you. I am sure your cabaret was great, and that is really awesome that you spent your day/night off raising money!!

kathiek said...

"Learn if there is anything to learn, but then just let it go and continue to live in your talent and skills and follow what the Spirit says to do next."

I agree with peaj, Jess. Bless you, sweetie, keep on doing that thing you do! We've got your back here at home!

Jessica Latshaw said...

Anon--next time you see me, please say hi! You seem so kind; I would love to meet you...And as for all the very very nice things you said...well, how generous you are!!!! Thank you. So much.