singing. really, truly, singing.

    Tonight I was singing on stage (duh, I am in a musical, after all!) and I had a bit of an epiphany. 

    See, I really truly love singing.  I have ever since I can remember. As a little girl, I used to go outside and make up songs and sing them to our animals (most of them were about Jesus, and I firmly believed I was helping to save those animal's souls....luckily, I hadn't heard any of that animals-have-no-souls-theology yet)  And then my parents started playing two soundtracks in particular, Les Miserables and Jesus Christ Superstar, rotating them in our cd players, and I found myself singing along with Cosette, Eponine, Fantine (but not the Lovely Ladies--my mom made sure to fast-forward through that...most of the time, anyway), and Mary Magdalene.  And here's the thing, I found that I could actually sing, matching my voice to theirs until you could barely differentiate between the two.  And I loved it.

   So I basically sang my heart out whenever I got the chance.  

    And all the while, I was dancing, dancing, dancing.  I was singing in church, sure--even writing music; but when it came to performances on a stage, I was dancing.  But in college, one of my favorite classes was voice, and so I made sure to take it every semester. Along with private lessons.  Because, remember? I love to sing!

   It wasn't until I graduated from college that I thought about doing musical theater.  It seemed perfect (and still does): I get to dance and sing, and even tell a story while I am at it (and I am a sucker for all three).  

   But when I started singing for auditions, the whole issue of fear came up.  Dancing was no biggie since I had been doing dance auditions since I was 8 years old, but singing had always been something that I just shared freely, happily; not something that I had to have a number for, and was made to do it before a panel of bored, tired, and pessimistic people.  

   And let me tell you, one of my absolute favorite voice teachers ever told me something that I will never forget: singing is 10% talent and 90% mental.  So, if you are afraid when you do it, then it's not gonna go so well...

   So basically, my epiphany was this: I am just going to sing like the whole world is a great, expectant audience.  And I am not gonna change that demeanor, whether I am at an EPA in NYC and there is just one bored person in front of me who will say, Thanks, Jessica. Next! in about 16 bars, or I am singing for Drew.  Life is too short to be afraid, too short to waist a moment in thinking that the worst might happen.  

  Because what if the best happens?  And I would never know that "best" unless I risked experiencing a "worst.".  I mean, really, a lot of "worsts" are worth wading through to get to that "best." As my friend John says, miracles happen, so they might as well happen to you.  But sometimes you gotta put yourself in the right place for a miracle.  Sometimes you gotta make yourself available for that miracle to come along.  Like, when I knew I wanted to do Broadway shows, I didn't just wait for Broadway to come find me in Newark, DE, discover that I have some talent, and ask me to be in a show.  No. I went to auditions. A lot.  I got turned down. A lot. And then, I got my "best," so to speak.

  So I guess what I am saying is that I think singing is somehow connected to my next "best," my next miracle.  And I am just done with being afraid to do it, namely at auditions.  I think I would rather just be like that little girl I was long ago--singing to the animals with all my heart, believing that they loved and needed what I had to share with them because I didn't know any better.

  Yeah, I think I will just sing like that.  

   And maybe at auditions, to really get in the spirit of it, I will imagine that each person behind the table (which is such a position of power at an audition, let me tell you) is an animal.  An animal who needs to hear about Jesus...