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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

life.

Pittsburgh is sold out this week.

And no, I didn't write an exclamation point on the end of that sentence because I just don't feel it. I should care more about this, I think, but well--right now, I just don't, really.

Maybe I feel ambivalent.


Ha.

I had to preface that with maybe because I can't even commit myself to feeling ambivalent!

Come on, that's funny.

That also reminds me of one of my senior concerts at UArts. The title of the concert was called Ambivalence but whoever was in charge of the posters and programs wasn't exactly a genius in the spelling department, so all of our advertising--as well as the programs--for the show touted Ambivalince.

There was irony in that, though. I mean, you could say we all just had too many mixed feelings about the word to commit to the actual spelling of it.

Or maybe we were just too ambivalint.

I will say that I was not in charge of the posters or the programs. See, I have never been ambivalent when it comes to spelling.

And I am sure that little debacle supplied many a good joke to be had at the dance department's expense that semester...

But right, I think I might feel a little bit ambivalent. About being in Pittsburgh. About being handed a contract to sign for another six months of life on the road. I am tired. Sometimes I just want to go home. But at the same time, I don't want to do nothing--I want to perform and when I remember that, I am happy to be here.

Luckily, I don't feel ambivalent on stage. I really care about doing a good job and can honestly say I try my hardest every time. But that isn't exactly something amazing in and of itself; I mean, most people's pride would not allow them to get on stage and do less than their best, I think.

I want to live in one place, though, making art and coming home to Drew.

Every day.

I don't want to be so transient that my friends never know where to send a card.

Is that a lot to ask?

Maybe.

But it's coming, I can feel it.

Until then, this is my life. All of it. The gypsy existence. The conversations in which my ear starts to hurt from the force at which I am pressing the phone against my head because I am trying to hear the voice on the other end that much better. The bits of news about family and friends I find out via facebook, because let's face it, I am not around. The random churches I get to every once in a while on a Sunday morning. The bars in which I talk loudly with friends, over the music, over the drinks, and find something of community, something of a shared existence, something of comfort. The soaring times in which I nail my monologue, in which I make people laugh over the plight of tone-deaf Kristine. The conversations I have with perfect strangers after the show and the kind things they say to me. The shopping, yes, the shopping! The looking forward to Drew's visit, to my mom's visit, to my sister's visit--and how it will get me through this rainy day. Writing out my life on all the random pianos I have found in more cities than I can recite right now. Playing my music in L.A., Toronto, Philadelphia, Washington D.C...The manatees. The paychecks. The grace that has been abundant in all of this. The people.

This is my life, and I don't ever want to wish it away.

7 comments:

beingawesome said...

Sigh.. well all hopes of putting my last few dollars together and coming are kind of dashed now.

boo for me.. but yay for the show.

Jessica Latshaw said...

Wait! If you are actually able to come--I am sure there may be some seats available! The word is that we are "basically sold out" which means that you could probably get in--call the box office before you take my word on it cause I would hate to find out that you didn't come when you could have!!!

beingawesome said...

Well the only night I would be able to come would be Friday *i'm in hell week for the show i'm doing...community theatre.. and i'm sure that the seats for Friday are gone if it's basically sold out.. but i'll call and check.

Michele said...

Jessica, I am sorry you're feeling kindof far away right now. It probably doesn't help to know that you are close to our hearts, but you are. How about I pray for Drew to become independently wealthy so he can follow you around and perform in his own production? But, i definitely know what you mean about spelling - it's one of my pet peeves too!

mine said...

I was feeling nostalgic tonight. It kinda snuck up on me and attached from the right. I'm working in a place I've only known as road house. I'm working in a part of the building that I didn't even know existed. And tonight I decided instead of coming home to a half unpacked apartment I would stay and see a show. When I walked out of the theatre two hours later and I was walking to my car, I was run over by old memories...my first time selling merch here, the hotel five miles away, bringing beer to the crew (that I would have given my organs to should they have needed them) after a difficult load-out. So many memories, so many really great memories.

There was always a part of me that suspected that I was living on the road because I was hiding or running from something. But now, in the midst of all this stability, I realize that the road was my calling; it didn't matter that my life existed in two suitcases, I was happy, I was in my element. It is good that I am where I am right now, it is right and I am where I am supposed to be, but I realized tonight that someday I will pack my bags once more and take to the road and that will be good too.

You are where you are supposed to be and one day it will be your time to leave the road and it's ok that it is not today. What is that quote attributed to Mother Teresa...God only gives you what you can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

Anyway, all this is to say that I miss you and I am thinking about you an all my kids.

Jessica Latshaw said...

My Dear, dear (and in case you didn't get it the first two times) DEAR Mine--

I love that quote. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement; it helps. I hope that you are doing well, and we talk of you often and miss you dearly...;-)

kathiek said...

We may not know where to send you a card, but we always know where to send the love and the prayers...you can't go too far for that, Jess. You are loved and missed, but we stand with you...wherever you are.