why the blue book bag?

      I think I am learning something about myself, something important.  See, it is easy for me to be judgemental.  Not about people, so much (I hope, I pray...)--more about any new situation in my life.

      Looking back, I realize that my first visceral reaction to almost anything new is to instantly dislike it--even hate it.  When I went to Chautauqua's summer dance program, I hated it.  Even though it was an honor to be accepted, I didn't want to stay at all.  I just wanted to go home.  And when I first went to YWAM for the summer, same thing--hated it.  Ballet Magnificat--hated it.  The Rock School, hated it.  New York City, rehearsing ACL--hated it. Even recently--going from L.A. to San Fran was difficult.  And the University of the Arts...(you guessed it)I hated it.  

   Jenna still makes fun of me for my first day at UArts.  See, I have always been drawn to bright colors, though I think I now understand that they have their place.  However, when this home-schooler attended college for the first time, I chose the brightest, biggest, most electric blue backpack I could find--that was probably in existence, in fact.  I distinctly remember thinking that looking at that azure wonder every day would make me happy.  It was as simple as that.  I didn't, however, factor in other people looking at the 8th wonder of the world securely strapped to my back.

   Anyway, my first day of school I actually cried driving into Philly because I was so darn scared.  Then, I strapped on that backpack--that stupidly, glaringly bright backpack--and walked on campus (if you could call that a campus; it was more like some buildings dedicated to the discipline of art that shared center city with some other buildings, but I digress...).  I felt terribly...normal.  I was surrounded by teenagers who were awesomely different, showing it in the way they died their hair colors that aren't exactly found in nature, the way their piercings reflected the sunlight as they sat on the steps and smoked their cigarettes.  In a horrible contrast, the only thing I was reflecting was my stupid decision to buy the brightest and largest book bag known to man.  

   But, my point is that, given a little bit of time, I grew to really love these changes.  They were places in which I grew and learned and became the person I am now.  They were challenges that cause me to become a stronger, surer person.  I understand this now, I think.  I am learning that I cannot be so quick to judge a situation "good" or "bad." It usually isn't that simple anyway.  I am learning to shove away that first cold feeling of fear and dislike when I find myself in a new place, because maybe, just maybe--it will end up being good for me.  Actually, I am beginning to realize that I can count on that.  I can rely on the fact that something new really does bring something good--if only I have the eyes to see.  

   Oh, but you better believe that I bought a new, sleek, black book bag the day I got home from school.  I never used that bright blue bag again. Yes, I am learning to embrace these new places in my life, but I don't have to look like a total nerd doing it!