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Sunday, August 31, 2008

true confessions of a mastermind criminal(s)

     Since Jason hinted at some sort of scandal involving me, Jonathan, and a few hundred starbursts, I figured I would just come clean.  You know, confess and feel better and all that.  Not that I've ever needed to confess anything before; I mean, I've only heard once you do you feel better...from uh, other people who have had to...;-)


    So, when Jonathan and I were little, my parents would give us each one starburst once we completed our chores.  Well, it wasn't long before we realized that we could siphoned some more starbursts from the bag (we weren't dumb; we knew exactly where mom kept them) and just pretend that we were still chewing the one that we had initially been given (Wow, mom, these starbursts sure are chewy! And then we would share a knowing glance; there's nothing like crime to bond you together, you know).

  Our plan worked perfectly, for a time.  But, I guess nothing lasts  forever.  Anyway, our Achilles heel turned out to be something as simple as where we chose to dispose of the evidence.  If we had only thrown the wrappers away like a normal person, we would probably still be stealing starbursts from the utility closet today, but no--we had to be all cloak and dagger about it.  

   We decided that the best place to put all the evidence was in Jason's bedroom--specifically, the baby cradle that was in his closet (why Jase had a baby cradle in his closet, I have no idea). We figured this was a win-win plan: either the wrappers would never be found because let's face it, nobody ever looks in the baby cradle in Jason's closet, or if it was found, Jase would get pinned with the crime and we would be far away, having already wired the starbursts to a swiss bank account, living out our days scott free while drinking shirley temples with little umbrellas in them.  That was the plan, anyway.  

   The day came when pop, I believe it was, discovered the wrappers in Jason's baby cradle.  This had been going on for quite some time now, so the baby cradle was literally stuffed with starburst wrappers.  Jason was summoned up to my parents' office, which only meant one thing: he was in big trouble.  He had no idea why he was in trouble, but Jonathan and I knew right away.  I remember feeling horribly guilty, but at the same time, we were bonded in our terrible secret and just couldn't give it up.  

 Well, Jase was up there for quite some time, and all the while we thought that we were free, that there was no way they could trace those wrappers to us.  But, uh-oh, Jason skips out of the office and my parents' then call us in.  Gulp.  What happened in there?  Did Jason know?  How could he have known?  We were so careful; we made sure to only put the wrappers in the cradle when Jase was safely away at school and we were home schooling; we covered all our tracks, didn't breathe a word of the operation to anybody, and even wore gloves so as to not leave our fingerprints (okay, so maybe the gloves are an exaggeration, but you get the point).

   Turns out when my parents showed Jase the baby cradle stuffed with starburst wrappers, he claimed complete innocence, told them that he hadn't even seen those wrappers before.  And then he said it: He had been framed.  It was as simple as that; somebody was trying to stick him with the crime.  And he must have had some conviction when he said this; he must have had all the indignation of the wrongly accused to give him that passion in his voice and that fire in his eyes as he claimed his innocence, because my parents believed him.  As he trotted out of that room, free as the proverbial bird, we knew that the hook he had just escaped wouldn't be empty for long; soon, we would be on it...

  As we faced my parents, wracked with the guilt of our indiscretion, we broke down and confessed to everything.  And we had to apologize to Jason, too, for framing him.  I do believe there were some spankings involved, but it sure did feel good to be forgiven--as well as to finally not have to work so hard to cover up our...habit, if you will (but you shouldn't).     

   So, there you go.  That was the only venture into organized crime that Jonathan and I ever attempted, thank goodness.  And thinking back, it is pretty funny that we thought our idea of framing Jason was a good one.  Sorry about that, Jase!
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On another note, this is my last night in Costa Mesa and then on to AZ tomorrow!  Six days under the hot desert sun (it was 112 degrees there today! yikes!), and then I go home for a brief and necessary visit!  Woo-hoo!

16 comments:

jason said...

Jessica!

Pop didn't just "discover" the wrappers. You or Jonathan (or both) were apparently too excited about your masterminding that you had to show it off, and one of you TOLD ON ME, and tattled that you found the wrappers in my closet! How quickly you forget?! You were the ones who ratted yourselves out.

And it makes the plan all the more insidious. Not only were you hoping to get away with stealing starbursts, but you were actively trying to make me take the fall for it!

I think Mom stored her old doll collection in my closet.

PS: It's siphoned, not cipher!

jason said...

By the way, your inability to really see the crime for the full horror that it was reminds me of a certain Pendergast childhood tragedy between Alyisius and Diogenes. We might have to hypnotize you to get the full truth, apparently.

Jessica Latshaw said...

Oops--I guess the details got a little fuzzy over the years! Why in the world did we choose to do that?!?! What a risk! How truly devious of us...

What did you think when mom and pop first called you into their office? And was it you who had the idea that we were framing you?

P.S. It's Aloysius, not Alyisius!

Jessica Latshaw said...

and if he's the one your are comparing me to--well, he's awesome!

I mean, really, I could do much worse...

Jessica Latshaw said...

Oh--and dully noted and corrected with the whole cipher thing; I questioned it myself but spellcheck had nothing to say on the matter so I let it go.

Mom said...

Ah! How well I remember this crime! It was a turning point for me. Up until this time, I had thought my "twins" (Jonathan & Jess) unable to do any wrong, unlike my "sons of thunder" (Josh & Jase), but alas! Even these sweet, seemingly innocent children had eaten of the tree! It just proved that all people had gone their own way. So sad!

jason said...

I just remember being shocked and utterly amazed that I was being accused of this crime, when I hadn't even seen the wrappers ever before, and I certainly hadn't been able to enjoy the payoff. No Starbursts for me. I didn't immediately think of you guys, I thought it was some kind of twisted miracle that placed all those wrappers in the cradle. And yes, there were TONS of wrappers. It was Pop who put two and two together. You loved Starbursts, and you were the one who told on me. And I guess they could tell I was genuinely innocent. So Pop's the Matlock here!

kathiek said...

This is all just too funny; the story, the cover-up, even the retelling of it!! When I was a kid and I wanted to hide something where it would never be found, I just flushed it down the toilet! Food, my mom's gold watch...you get the idea!

Jessica Latshaw said...

I know--I can hardly believe that we cooked up this plot! Considering that Jonathan is older, I am wondering if he had the initial idea; but still, we share the blame equally!

Jonathan Latshaw said...

Ok, I remember slightly different than both of you. First, we hid the wrappers in Jessica's closet under her baby crib. Once the guilt and the fear of being discovered grew too heavy, we decided to move the evidence downstairs into...the trash can in Jason's room! We even sifted it down to the bottom and put other trash on top to make it look like he knew about the wrappers all along.

This clears up two problems:

1. Jason never HAD a baby doll crib in his closet

AND

2. We tried to hide the guilt but once it got too scary we panicked and framed Jase.

I even remember going to Pop and saying something like: "why does Jason have ALL those starbursts wrappers in his trash can? Did you tell him he could eat them"

Bingo. We thought Jase was toast. Something about Jess and I though: in a pinch, we laugh. Once Jase left that room a free bird, and Pop and Mom called us in, we both started smiling and laughing. Totally wrong reaction for the moment and it's what finally did us in.

Jessica Latshaw said...

Wow--that makes sense that I would have a baby crib in MY closet!

And now I do vaguely remember that...

First that we hid the wrappers in my closet before we decided to frame Jase...

But then--why did we go to pop and draw attention to it?!?!? It was the kiss of death to the operation...

jason said...

You know... I do distinctly remember the baby crib full of wrappers in my closet though. I think you guys actually just moved the crib from jessica's closet to mine! No wonder I was able to escape this bum rap so easily!

JASON said...

PS. Notice that once Jessica is revealed as not the pure-as-the-driven-snow victim but instead a conniving mastermind who would betray her own innocent brother to satiate her starburst obsessions... PJ remains silent. Curious.

Mom said...

This is better than the mystery books I love to read even though, of course, I know this story. And it's not really a mystery, maybe more of a true crime story.

kathiek said...

All of ya'll are hysterical!! I am glad to know you, you make me giggle...and sometimes even guffaw!!

Jessica Latshaw said...

funny--I distinctly remember that baby crib in jason's closet, too!