Friday, August 8, 2008

blah, blah, blah

          This week I am sharing a dressing room with someone who just plain doesn't like me.  I know, I know, how can someone not like lil' ole me?!  Ha.  Just ask her--I am sure she'd be happy to tell you.  Oh wait, you can't cause I am keeping her anonymous.  

         See, we unfortunately have some history now.  Some times of me confronting her, calling her out on passive aggressive behavior towards me--kindly and with a level-head--and then, upon learning that I had made her upset, trying to make things right with her.  But she would have none of it.  Honestly, it's stunning to meet someone who just doesn't want to make things right.  This has really been one of my life quests for as long as I can remember.  If I knew someone in my family was hurt or upset, I would plead with that person to go to the other person and make things right.  If I knew I had hurt some one's feelings, than I wouldn't rest until our relationship was back to the way it was.  Because I think a relationship between two people is worth an awkward conversation every now and then; a humbling admittance that you are hurt and  thereby letting them know that they have the power to hurt you, that you care about them.  

        But honestly, I really need to let this go.  I have tried to salvage it.  I try to convey interest in her life with my questions and such (maybe that's the problem; maybe she just wants me to leave her the heck alone!).  It's not like she was ever a close friend or anything like that, but I just really don't want it to be awkward between us.  I don't like that she pointedly ignores me, that she talks to our other dressing-room mate and relates to her, but says nothing to me.  I don't like that she makes a show of not trusting me.  It really seems like she has vilified me in her mind.  It's crazy, it really is.  

     I am pretty sure I need to start really praying for her.  I also need to let this go.  Maybe this is an indicator of my own pride, but well, I just want her to like me.  Not a lot, or anything crazy like that, just at least enough to put me on parr with the majority of the cast.  Or almost on parr. 

     So, if you are a praying person, please pray.  I would appreciate it.  

     And one more thing--those same friends who drove me to my hotel the other night when I couldn't tell them how to get there, did so again tonight.  As I got into their car I asked them if they remembered how to get there, because here's the thing: I still didn't know how to get there by car.  In my defense, there are some one-way roads that make it tricky, especially since I am walking almost all the time.  But still, I am glad that they knew where they were going.  I am glad to have smart friends.  


Peaj said...

One of the things that shocked me when I first started working at my first professional job was how willing some people were to write off another person over one or two offenses. I guess I was arrogantly thinking "middle class folks with some education and decently paying jobs - they should know better, right?" But it really is true, some people just have this line, and if you cross it, they are done with you. For some people, that line is very close to where you stand when you first meet them and it is hard to see.

Plus, add in the extremely competitive environment of your chosen profession, and I'm sure that there are some that have real big chips on their shoulders.

Since then I have met some Christians like that, and some others that think it is OK for them to be like that. Now that's really a shocker.

But I gotta agree: "how can someone not like lil' ole you?!"

kathiek said...

Jess, I know you know that if you have done everything you can to make things right with this individual and she continues to reject you you're only recourse is to have mercy on her and show her the love of God. Prayer is a huge part of that. To pray blessing and mercy for her, to pray for her what you would want for yourself, is to deny the enemy an open door. Then, just stand in that place of grace. She may come around, she may not, but you will know you have done absolutely everything you can.

I will be praying, my friend,I know this must be difficult.

jason said...

Some people are like poisonous snakes. You keep your distance. Certainly don't abuse them, but don't cuddle them either. Just be civil and go no further than is needed to be kind and professional.

That's my take on the matter.

jason said...

and who is deciding who should share dressing rooms.... Satan!?

Anonymous said...

Someone wise once told me "If someone insults you, ignore it. If you can't ignore it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it is probably deserved".

I find that the best way to keep up my own spirits in the face of someone like your dressing-roommate is to laugh. When she ignores your or tries to make you feel bad, just laugh. Nothing shuts down someone with ill intentions as quickly as when they realize that it doesn't bother you, it only makes you laugh.

mom said...

I remember when it was a shocking discovery that there were Christians who didn't like me! I just thought that when I became a Christian, everyone would care about me because it is the royal law. But not everyone does have to like me, Christian or not. It looks like you are accepting that well and showing kindness when you are able. What a good opportunity to show love to those who misuse you!

Peaj said...

Wise people like mom (and Jess).

Jessica Latshaw said...

thanks, guys--I appreciate all of your comments so much. Your input means a lot to me!

Here's another thing: do you think it's bad that I don't particularly want to be around her? For instance, sometimes if I find out she is gonna be somewhere, then my first instinct is to bow out. However, the other day I didn't bow out, and still had a good time. So in retrospect, I was glad that I forced myself to go.

But, most of the time I just don't want to be around her.

Anonymous said...

It's always good to check and make sure you're you're trying to "make things right" with the person and not just "make them see you're right." I know I've had friends who have decided there's something wrong between us, because of something they KNEW I had to be wrong about. So, I was getting emails every day from her where she just couldn't rest until I came in line with her way of thinking. I don't know if that relates or helps you. I just wanted to share it.

Pop said...

I think it's totally natural not to want to be around those who actively reject you. If Jase's poisonous snake analogy is correct, it's probaby wise too! For me, if I have a choice, it's a judgment call that I need guidance for in the circumstance--because you never know when that one time you happen to be with the person, even "accidently", might be the time when some kind of window of re-connection just might get opened somehow. On the other hand, you can't let yourself expect or long for a good result, because disappointment will probably be more likely.

Jess, I think you're on to something with praying for the person, though. One of Jesus' more "ludicrous from the world's perspective" sayings was: "Pray for those who mistreat you." And that probably means sustained prayer, not a one-timer.

Becaise who knows? This unfortunate situation with the person might be something God will use to focus serious prayer by you and others on behalf of this person.

It's a tough discipline to continue to show love toward those who continue to reject you. We'll pray for you!

Jessica Latshaw said...

Well, no--I am not actively trying to make her see my point. And I am certainly not emailing her:-) But, I can see what you are saying, anon. I certainly don't want to make being right more important than being kind.

Yeah, I am definitely going to be open to hanging around her, but honestly, I don't think she wants to be around me so very much.

However, today I remembered that verse that says our struggle is not against flesh and blood...And I want to make sure that I don't peg her as an enemy, because she isn't. And I think the whole prayer thing is key, like you said, Pop--and just letting a lot of it go.

Anyway, thanks, guys.

I also think I can just sort of "play dumb" to any rudeness or awkwardness and keep a light heartedness about it--at least, that's what I am gonna try.

Jason said...

laughing whenever she is rude could come across as condescending IMO

kathiek said...

I am sorry, I know this has nothing to do with Jess' dilemma, but what does "IMO" mean? I have seen it before, but I haven't been able to figure it out.

Peaj said...

IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion

kathiek said...


Jessica Latshaw said...

Yeah, I am probably not gonna laugh at her when she is rude or passive aggressive; that would probably just make it worse...

semi anonymous said...

There is so much freedom in letting go of wanting/needing everyone to like you. It's very very difficult, especially when you have been raised with the values of being kind to everyone, and the expectation of reciprocation when you are friendly. Women often fall victim to that disease; Christians too. But these kind of situations will arise for the rest of your life, and if you can learn now that it's not about you, you can save yourself a lot of heartache and misspent energy.

Some people are just mean. Some are irrational. Some have such a different set of values from you that you wouldn't want to embrace them anyway. Some are overly sensitive or immature and think that the world revolves around them. Some are just bullies. Some are hurting so badly that they just lash out. The main point is that it's not about YOU. You can't have control over how they react, and there is no such thing as fair or reasonable in those situations.

Praying for them is kind, merciful, obedient and smart. That is definitely within your sphere of influence and control. And it's doing something proactive and positive about the situation. And it always bears some kind of fruit, even if you don't see the harvest.

It's so hard not to take rejection personally. But I'm thinking it's a really good skill to develop in your industry anyway, especially when it's someone who is not a close family member or friend, you probably will have to face those situations often.

I think you made the better choice to confront this person rather than let the situation fester and continue to bother you, even if it meant that she's now treating you poorly. Suppressing your feelings about something important I think is ultimately more painful in the long run than facing the possible rejection.

It's really not a reflection on you if everybody doesn't like you or doesn't treat you the way you deserve. You are fabulous, wonderful, terrific, exceptional, loving, kind and glorious exactly as you are. You know god loves you, don't let a stranger's opinion make you feel bad about yourself. If god is with us, who can be against us? And I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her, but I hope it won't influence you too heavily that you will start avoiding opportunities that would be good for you.

Jessica Latshaw said...

hey--I never said thanks to you for those really kind words, semi-anon.

So, thank you--I really appreciate it.