BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND TWITTER BACKGROUNDS

Monday, November 2, 2009

the thing itself

Lately sleep has been somewhat of a white rabbit for me. And I'm tired of chasing it. Heck, I'm even tired of laying down in a bed, waiting for that stupid little rabbit to stop it's incessant running.


Bottom line, I'm just plain tired.

It seems that I am no better at fighting off the demons now than when I was twelve years old.True, these demons have changed drastically over the years. I think I'd almost welcome one of the green, garish looking little fellows I'd imagined to be lurking just under the bed, or if not there than definitely in my closet, instead of what I am battling now. In comparison, the demons of my childhood look almost friendly.

Almost.

And then there's that other difference.

The one that had everything to do with just running up to my parents' bedroom, blanket trailing behind me like some kind of hobo's bridal train, and snuggling as close to my parents' bed as humanly possible. I'm talking feeling the box spring. Taking in the smell of their bed clothes, the smell of safety.

And if it wasn't there, it was most certainly ending up in the same room as one of my brother's, probably Jonathan. I'd let him think that I was the scared one, being the younger of us and the girl, but really, both of us were relieved to have the comfort of each other. The demons faded quickly once we glimpsed the shape of the other one, huddled on the floor of whichever room we'd park ourselves for the long night.

I like the simplicity of that.
The tangibleness of it.
I was alone, now I am not.
I was afraid, now I am not.

And yes, I know that I am not alone now, but Over the Rhine says it so well:

This is lonely, but never alone.

And yes, I know there is God who I can run to, but if he has a bed, I've yet to find it and I've certainly never mashed myself up against his box spring. I've never seen him huddled on the floor beside my bed, inexplicably drawing comfort from my presence while from his, I find the courage to face the night.

I guess sometimes I miss the physicality of running, truly running, away from what I fear and into a safe place. I miss things being as simple as moving away from the window that you're pretty sure you just glimpsed someone or something glimpsing you.

I love the metaphor, true; and I believe in it. I have to, really.

But I miss the thing itself sometimes.

26 comments:

jason said...

Ha, yes, I remember too how wonderful it would be to trek upstairs and sleep on mom and pop's floor. Until that one night where my dream was that Magnum PI was hiding under that hideous ugly green couch chair they had in their room – with a gun trying to shoot me. Then I had no where to go anymore.

Sorry about the demons. But you'll emerge from your battle with them stronger, I know it for sure.

Mom said...

You fought your demons back then as a little girl and you will fight these demons too because both times you fought them with the grace and strength of a God who cares. He is the true enabler---and it's right that He is so.

Remember my T shirt......this too shall pass!

And just for the record, I wish you could still run up into our bedroom and sleep near us. Although I don't want you scared, there is something comforting about children running to us for safety. Wish we could be that for you now!

Jessica said...

for some reason I find the line, "sorry about the demons" to be really funny. I guess because they are so paranormal and weird, and to say it so nonchalantly--like you'd say sorry about the wet socks or something--makes me smile.

and sorry about Magnum PI hiding under the green chair, shooting at you.

and mom, running to your room from canada would be a very very long run! And do you still have that t-shirt?

merry said...

Wait, Jase, the demons will be stronger after their battle? I'm confused. Sorry,too, Jess.

jawd said...

i can say i never slept on mom and pop's floor. I was too scared to take the long walk upstairs...

Michele said...

I'm sorry you're not sleeping well Jess - I will stand in the gap for you and claim the promise that God has for a restful sleep for you.

Christina said...

I just found your blog, and this was a great post to read. It resonated.

Bookmarking and coming back, hopefully to read that demons skulked off... chased by God, parents, and Magnum P.I. ;-)

Jessica said...

Hey Christina-welcome and you know what? No demons last night. Not one. Of course that might have had a little something to do with the muscle relaxer I took right before bed, but still, I'll take it!

Christina said...

Well, whatever it takes! ;-)

Glad you had a good night of rest.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this link, but unfortunately it seems to be down... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please answer to my post if you do!

I would appreciate if a staff member here at thislifeinwriting.blogspot.com could post it.

Thanks,
Charlie

Anonymous said...

Thank you, that was extremely valuable and interesting...I will be back again to read more on this topic.

Anonymous said...

I've on all occasions liked things like sand clocks, lava lamps, and the like to type of virtuous dish out time staring at it as a form of catharsis. In a course, it helps me with meditation, to mitigate stress and strain and well-grounded assume about nothing. That's why since I was a kid, a substitute alternatively of dolls and cars I've in any case sedate more of such pieces like sand clocks, lava lamps, harmonious boxes etc. So I was most charmed when I found the[url=http://www.dealtoworld.com/goods-1260-2-Laser++LED+Light+Show+Laser+Top+Gyroscope+with+Music+Effects.html] 2-Laser + LED Inconsiderable Appear Laser Ace Gyroscope with Music Effects[/url] from DealtoWorld.com under the Toys section. It's like a melodic caddy, a spinning head, and a berate reveal all rolled into one. Which is capacious entertainment! The gyroscope wishes outing after about a minute. The laser slight pretension with accompanying music makes this gyroscope a measure corresponding exactly fiddle with that my friends have also been most amused with.

My dogs are also fair intrusive around the laser gyroscope I got from DealtoWorld.com. They always follow the gyroscope as it spins, although at first they kept barking at the laser insight accompany, and also because it produces music. But after they got employed it, they've stopped barking but simply watch over following the gyroscope whenever I start spinning it. Kids are also unbelievably amused nearby it. Sometimes it's moral to maintain diverting toys about the ancestry so that you can desert the diminutive on while the kids are being amused or playing with it while you count prepare viands or receive changed. The gyroscope is inseparable such fool with with this purpose.

The gyroscope I bought from DealtoWorld.com has a dragon as a pattern on it, and produces a gegenschein indicate with red, blue, and unripened colours. Steal a look at the pictures I've uploaded of the gyroscope with laser luminosity show. The music produced from the gyroscope is not that expert but facts enough to accommodate any new guest to the house. The gyroscope is red and negro, making it look extraordinarily cold, and slightly virile with that dragon imprint.

The music flare inform gyroscope runs on 6 LR44 batteries, which are replaceable anyway. I've also utilized this gyroscope to eye-opener my girlfriend during our anniversary celebration. I did the cheesy terror of decorating the pension cell with roses and when I led her in, I started up the gyroscope as correctly so that the laser brighten clarify produces a ideal effect. I also had some battery operated candles so all the light effects created a slightly romantic atmosphere. She loved it, at near the going, to my relief. I also bought the candles from DealtoWorld.com. These days it seems to be my non-fulfilment shopping site for all gifts and ideas for fancied occasions.

Since Christmas is coming, this laser go down make clear gyroscope can maybe be a superb Christmas favour looking for the toddler or even the pet! Alternatively, the gyroscope can absolutely be a polite totalling to the established Christmas decorations. I can take it as given placing it adjoining the Christmas tree and perchance spinning it when guests hit town in the house. Looks like [url=http://www.dealtoworld.com]DealtoWorld.com[/url] is getting my function yet again!

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.freewebs.com/lipit0r]buy lipitor over counter
[/url]order generic lipitor canada
buy lipitor in india
lipitor price fixing
buy lipitor online
atorvastatin drug price

Anonymous said...

[url=http://biaxin-buy.webs.com/]clarithromycin online kaufen
[/url] clarithromycin online pharmacy
clarithromycin online apotheke
clarithromycin online

Anonymous said...

[url=http://asacol-mesalamine.webs.com/]mesalamine online
[/url] asacol 800 mg dosage
buy lialda canada
asacol 800 mg bivirkninger

Anonymous said...

Knowledge is a city to the building of which every human being brought
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/
http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
http://www.burberryoutletusaxs.com/
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
http://www.coachfactoryoutletsea.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/

Anonymous said...

Courtesy is the inseparable companion of virtue.
http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/
http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
http://www.coachfactoryoutletsea.com/
http://www.burberryoutletusaxs.com/
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/

Anonymous said...

Ten men banded together in love can do what ten thousand separately would fail in.
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
http://www.coachfactoryoutletsea.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/
http://www.burberryoutletusaxs.com/

Anonymous said...

fatiguing climb of its steep paths have a chance of gaining its luminous summits.
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/
http://www.burberryoutletusaxs.com/
http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
http://www.coachfactoryoutletsea.com/

Anonymous said...

The Golden Rule is that there are no golden rules.
http://www.burberryoutletsalexs.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesan.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/
http://www.hairstraighteneraustraliae.com/
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.coachfactoryoutlesa.com/
http://www.burberryoutletxi.com/
http://www.cheapnikeshoesfreerun.com/
http://www.christianlouboutinshoesxx.com/
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopxs.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesam.com/
http://www.cheapuggbootsan.com/
http://www.cheapsfashionbootax.com/

Anonymous said...

There is no royal road to science, and only those who do not dread the
http://www.uggsaustralianorges.com/
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopsx.com/
http://www.cheapnikeshoesfreerun.com/
http://www.burberryoutletsalexs.com/
http://www.cheapnikesshoescz.com/
http://www.cheapsfashionbootax.com/
http://www.cheapuggbootsaz.com/
http://www.cheapfashionshoesas.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/
http://www.longchampsaleukxs.com/

Anonymous said...

There is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.
http://www.cheapfashionshoesas.com/
http://www.cheapnikeshoesfreerun.com/
http://www.michaelkorsoutletez.com/
http://www.cheapnikesshoescz.com/
http://www.cheapuggbootsaz.com/
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexa.com/
http://www.longchampsaleukxs.com/
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopsx.com/
http://www.cheapsfashionbootax.com/
http://www.burberryoutletsalexs.com/
http://www.uggsaustralianorges.com/

Anonymous said...

[url=http://casodex-bicalutamide.webs.com/]buy Casodex online
[/url] buy Casodex online
buying generic Casodex
Bicalox

Anonymous said...

[url=http://amoxicilline.webs.com/]amoxicilline
[/url][url=http://acheter-amoxicilline.webs.com/]amoxicilline femme enceinte
[/url] amoxicillin haemophilus influenzae
amoxicilline histoire
amoxicilline cristers

Anonymous said...

[url=http://longchampsacsa.eklablog.com/]sac longchamps[/url] Whether this is your first baby or your fifth baby, there are certain items that you will definitely need. Make a list of all your baby essentials. This will also be the time to determine the "theme" for the nursery and add this information Mulberry Classic Natural Leather Messenger Bag Light Coffee for Men,you'll find designer Mulberry handbags, award- winning customer service. to the shopping list.
[url=http://longchamppaschers.jigsy.com/]sac longchamp[/url] Because of global warming, pollution, diminishing forests, and a limited supply of natural resources, people Our Mulberry Sale bags online store offers Highly Appreciated Mulberry Women's Bayswater Leather Satchel Black Bag, and more at lowest price, 100% quality guarantee. are becoming more aware of the importance of protecting the environment. Waste in the environment affects the air, water, land, animals, plants, and humans. When we use the environment as a waste dump, we take away land from wildlife, pollute the environment, and deplete natural resources.
[url=http://www.blogstoday.co.uk/bloghome.aspx?username=longchampbagsd]longchamp soldes[/url] The retailer plans to invest as much as $300 million to revamp flagship stores this year. It is also investing in technology and social media, revamping its website and tapping into SAP technology for efficient ecommerce sales. And judging from the latest earnings report, Burberry's investments are already beginning to pay off... HelmetThe single most important thing you will need is a helmet. In most places in the world it is illegal to ride without a proper safety helmet, and even where it wouldn't be breaking the law, it is still highly recommended. The strap should be Mulberry luggage bags online sale Mulberry Outlet Standard Alexa Leather Satchel Red Bag at auction fastened snugly under your chin - again in parts of the world this is a legal requirement.. It best My partner and i bought these kind of for almost any birthday present within Christmas day (although were definitely back once again acquired through January. Tough luck, so that i would not surprise them with unitl in that case , :( However, so definitely stall. The only thing I didn like were definitely the shapers were definitely so desperately to escape the additionally they procured several fur with them :( Could, My partner and i gem individuals so, we simply have utilized individuals in the house, yet for almost any festivity planned, on the other hand can be very smart with them, I would like to help save these kind of forever! They are simply quite possibly secured for a different position since I not going something to should them to obtain quite a bit of your money :( Is known as a immediately following ton grand adventure now been organizing? Buy we all be ready some thing there has to be, entirely specifically your own cases? If we are currently require for the most portable, daylight cases close to, take Delsey Travel luggage..

Anonymous said...

Concern Fresh Wind offers a invest money in building for different tariff plans. Now , survivors overcame the recent financial crisis, more ponder about safe investing their funds . According to conclusions of many of the leading the best analysts, one of the most construction investment . It is no secret Everyone knows that the construction of less exposed to the risk of falling prices, in addition , construction has always been important and in demand, and will be in demand. Even the economic crisis did not recaptured removed the desire for people to buy their own property. Therefore, investment in construction will always remain relevant and profitable.

Fwit.biz: [url=https://fwit.biz]construction investment at interest[/url]